I look outside and I don't see any snow. That should be good right? I walk down the mountain to my home and feel brisk wind on my cheeks. That should be good right? I walk in to a slight cold house, but doesn't matter to much because I warm up fast. That should be good right?
It is good, but why do I feel so bad? I am happy but torn and cracked with sadness. I want to be strong and overcome this rope trying to hold me down. Sometimes I just give in though, because be strong all the time is so tiresome.
I can beat it I know....just sometimes my heart needs a lift.
Stupid depression.....
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Moments~Greenhill
...Sometimes in life you have those moments…the ones you sit back on, you stew on them, analyze them till your to the bone of the event. The moments in which you know is important, but can not seem to put your finger on why. The moments where you have no idea what the next step in life is, like the moment sweeps you away and you are hidden behind a blindfold and do not know where you will end up.
Life is full of little moments that just kill you…..moments that fill you with joy....moments that want to make you cry out in anger….moments that make you cry with gladness
Why are moments so important? Is it just little beads on a thread, individually they are small and may get lost, but pulled all together they become a beautiful piece of art.
I do not know why moments are so important, why they seem like all you have. They are means of communication, togetherness, and sharing. In a moment you create a bond with that person you shared it with, whether that person is some one you know or a complete stranger.
Moments seem to drain my mind; I do not know what to do with them. They weigh on me until I drop to the ground.
I have moments in my mind at this very moment, ones that leave their presence here even as I type.
Think about what happened just five minutes ago, the scene or event you are thinking about is a moment. Now I do not know whether or not it is important. What I do know, no matter how small it is, it made an impact on your life!
I feel: rage, anger, joy, passion, sad, depressed, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, quite, calm, reserved, love, concern, jealousy, lonely, lost, found, weak, strong, hungry, thirst, hot, pain, sorrow, grief, happy, tired, content, hopeful, doubtful, encouraged, scared, saved, and many more…..
I want to cry, just to release these feeling, but it is all wrong. I do not know where or when to do it. I do not know who can be there and who can not. By the time I figure it out, I have no energy to.
I want to sleep till this is all done. I want to sleep when I know I do not want to cry. I want to sleep to gain energy….
Time can only tell what will happen….
Moments will keep coming, I will keep being overwhelmed, I will feel a lot of things, but I know I can do this. Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary pure and holy, tide and true, with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you!
Life is full of little moments that just kill you…..moments that fill you with joy....moments that want to make you cry out in anger….moments that make you cry with gladness
Why are moments so important? Is it just little beads on a thread, individually they are small and may get lost, but pulled all together they become a beautiful piece of art.
I do not know why moments are so important, why they seem like all you have. They are means of communication, togetherness, and sharing. In a moment you create a bond with that person you shared it with, whether that person is some one you know or a complete stranger.
Moments seem to drain my mind; I do not know what to do with them. They weigh on me until I drop to the ground.
I have moments in my mind at this very moment, ones that leave their presence here even as I type.
Think about what happened just five minutes ago, the scene or event you are thinking about is a moment. Now I do not know whether or not it is important. What I do know, no matter how small it is, it made an impact on your life!
I feel: rage, anger, joy, passion, sad, depressed, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, quite, calm, reserved, love, concern, jealousy, lonely, lost, found, weak, strong, hungry, thirst, hot, pain, sorrow, grief, happy, tired, content, hopeful, doubtful, encouraged, scared, saved, and many more…..
I want to cry, just to release these feeling, but it is all wrong. I do not know where or when to do it. I do not know who can be there and who can not. By the time I figure it out, I have no energy to.
I want to sleep till this is all done. I want to sleep when I know I do not want to cry. I want to sleep to gain energy….
Time can only tell what will happen….
Moments will keep coming, I will keep being overwhelmed, I will feel a lot of things, but I know I can do this. Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary pure and holy, tide and true, with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Oh my word~Craziness
Oh my word~ Craziness
I am in Northern Ireland, and what do I think….hum? Well, I don’t really know. I think about some things, some of the time. But not everything all of the time! Clear as mud, eh?
…Sorry, I am ok…I think. I really like where I am living, except it gets cold sometimes. But it is so beautiful. We have a huge window in the living room and it looks out unto the coast..ahhh. I love just sitting there and watching the waves. Behind us the view only gets better, there are mountains. When we go up to work at the camp, we walk up part of the tallest mountain in Northern Ireland. It’s not hard to find something to thank God for everyday. Even the cloudy-ness looks mystique!
The people I live with are from all over….so I get an international experience while sitting at the table. Amazing!!! I really enjoy the people. I haven’t made any really close friends, but it has only been a bit over a week, and they are much older than me…well not so much older than me, but just enough I feel little.
The camp we are working at deals mainly with outdoor education. My team’s tasks though are to mainly deal with secretarial work, EBay fundraising, and organizing the concession stand. We have some outdoor things, but not a lot. This isn’t so bad because I like some things, but I am not really good at a lot. So I am excited about the work they described to us. The beginning is a little slow, but as soon as we get going…it will be work work work all the time!
I am really excited about all the growth in the faith and spiritual aspect of the camp!!! God is going to do some incredible things. There is a committee of people all excited, and some other volunteers, staff, and we are key links to getting it kicked off! There are so many different directions to take on it. I am really excited to get involved!!!
It is really cold here already, but it is okay I like cold. I mean I can get warmed up easy…he he he, just kidding. It is fine, I have tons of layers. I just hope the heat works through out Christmas.
That reminds me, we still have no finalized details about next month. That has me kind of anxious because it will be weird being in this big house with out any one except Jon, Kevin, and I. I don’t know though…I think I am already not looking forward to Christmas.
I have been reading a lot lately as well, since we have some down time. I finished The Difference Maker, The Bell Jar, and I am working on God, Sex, and Generation X. They are all very good. They make me think, which I don’t always like, but it is good…ish
I miss people already…is that bad? I am kind of sad that I feel this way already. I don’t know. This part is the most confusing. Well, to be honest a lot of things are confusing but not to worry God will guide me. Even though I feel lost and like crap a bit, I know God has me so I need to work on getting closer to him.
Please pray for the team, the camp, the volunteers, the staff, and me…..
I will end with a passage from the book I am reading now:
“Some claim that we are closer to God in a garden than anywhere else on earth, but in the mystery of human relationships we come closer to God than is possible in even the most sublime scene of natural beauty.”
I am in Northern Ireland, and what do I think….hum? Well, I don’t really know. I think about some things, some of the time. But not everything all of the time! Clear as mud, eh?
…Sorry, I am ok…I think. I really like where I am living, except it gets cold sometimes. But it is so beautiful. We have a huge window in the living room and it looks out unto the coast..ahhh. I love just sitting there and watching the waves. Behind us the view only gets better, there are mountains. When we go up to work at the camp, we walk up part of the tallest mountain in Northern Ireland. It’s not hard to find something to thank God for everyday. Even the cloudy-ness looks mystique!
The people I live with are from all over….so I get an international experience while sitting at the table. Amazing!!! I really enjoy the people. I haven’t made any really close friends, but it has only been a bit over a week, and they are much older than me…well not so much older than me, but just enough I feel little.
The camp we are working at deals mainly with outdoor education. My team’s tasks though are to mainly deal with secretarial work, EBay fundraising, and organizing the concession stand. We have some outdoor things, but not a lot. This isn’t so bad because I like some things, but I am not really good at a lot. So I am excited about the work they described to us. The beginning is a little slow, but as soon as we get going…it will be work work work all the time!
I am really excited about all the growth in the faith and spiritual aspect of the camp!!! God is going to do some incredible things. There is a committee of people all excited, and some other volunteers, staff, and we are key links to getting it kicked off! There are so many different directions to take on it. I am really excited to get involved!!!
It is really cold here already, but it is okay I like cold. I mean I can get warmed up easy…he he he, just kidding. It is fine, I have tons of layers. I just hope the heat works through out Christmas.
That reminds me, we still have no finalized details about next month. That has me kind of anxious because it will be weird being in this big house with out any one except Jon, Kevin, and I. I don’t know though…I think I am already not looking forward to Christmas.
I have been reading a lot lately as well, since we have some down time. I finished The Difference Maker, The Bell Jar, and I am working on God, Sex, and Generation X. They are all very good. They make me think, which I don’t always like, but it is good…ish
I miss people already…is that bad? I am kind of sad that I feel this way already. I don’t know. This part is the most confusing. Well, to be honest a lot of things are confusing but not to worry God will guide me. Even though I feel lost and like crap a bit, I know God has me so I need to work on getting closer to him.
Please pray for the team, the camp, the volunteers, the staff, and me…..
I will end with a passage from the book I am reading now:
“Some claim that we are closer to God in a garden than anywhere else on earth, but in the mystery of human relationships we come closer to God than is possible in even the most sublime scene of natural beauty.”
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Thought I was leaving didn't ya?!?!?
So hey everyone!
Yeah yesturday was the start of 8 months...or so we thought...he he he. We got to the airport and found out our plane was delayed! We got on about 640. We arrived in Newark, NJ just in time to wave goodbye to our plane leaving for Belfast. So we went to the ticket counter, and the best they could do is put us on standby for a 925 pm flight! he he he. So they gave us a hotel voucher and food vouchers! So we good....
But I was thinking about things. We had everything planned out. We had all the little details figured out, but then God said um...hold it I got a plan. It is amazing how God is just...the boss. I love it, sometimes. he he he. Other times I am "grr...can't this just work!!!" he he he. But they main thing isn't what is happening and not happening in YOUR plans. It is your attitude and your response to GOD's plans!
-Amen~~~
Yeah yesturday was the start of 8 months...or so we thought...he he he. We got to the airport and found out our plane was delayed! We got on about 640. We arrived in Newark, NJ just in time to wave goodbye to our plane leaving for Belfast. So we went to the ticket counter, and the best they could do is put us on standby for a 925 pm flight! he he he. So they gave us a hotel voucher and food vouchers! So we good....
But I was thinking about things. We had everything planned out. We had all the little details figured out, but then God said um...hold it I got a plan. It is amazing how God is just...the boss. I love it, sometimes. he he he. Other times I am "grr...can't this just work!!!" he he he. But they main thing isn't what is happening and not happening in YOUR plans. It is your attitude and your response to GOD's plans!
-Amen~~~
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Oh snap...do you want a freaking idea?
So I have not written in a long time, I am so sorry! My bad: I will give you highlights of what happened from Oct. 2nd till now and then bring you to the present thoughts.
~Jon's Mom came....loved her
~ Mr. Dell H. came-he is so freaking cool!
~got my nosed pierced
~Finished Blue Like Jazz- Thought it was really good. I enjoyed someone else's perspective..so now I don't feel wierd admiting things now.
~Kevin had a minor surgery, but is fine and doing good. Took him and brought him from the airport.
~Service assignments went well. Finished 8 rooms in total. Franky and the administration gave us tons of food.
~Jon, Melina, Rachel, and I helped put ghost up at Bishop Conway's place.
~Some fights.
~Figured out we are going to Northern Ireland!!!1 HAVE A FREAKING IDEA!
~Good convos!
~Amazing hospitality meals!
~Learned about Anabaptist history.
~Helped Krista move.
~Found out I did not have all my money.
~Stressed just a tad.
~Went to the hospital-ok promise.
~Let someone freak me out...when I should have been stronger.
~Strongly pushed to take baby steps....
~Greektown.
~Commisioning service....
And now I am home. It is Wed. and I leave Friday for Ireland!Sunday I talked at church and saw my grandparents. That was hard because I don't get to see them as much as I should. Grandpa will probably not remember me when I get back. And Grandma was sad it was such a long time. Monday went shopping with mom for stuff and saw ex-co-workers, and then went to spend the night with BFF Ali!! Tuesday went out to lunch with some good friends. Today I went to school...it was odd because I miss them so much and it was just a hi and goodbye thing!
I am freaking a bit...8 months... but it will be ok. I am also excited!!! I will write thinking later....
Monday, October 1, 2007
Compassion
Twice in one day...man, crazyiness!!
Today I finished the book my chior teacher gave me: Women on the Front Lines Series; Compassion.
It was a very good book. I loved learning about women who stood up for the love they had in their hearts. A lot of it was focused on service to poor and sick. It was hard to relate to these women some of the time though because they where from the past, and delt with different times and cultures. But it was still so encouraging to read about sticking up for even faith.
I learned a lot about being compassionate to people. Learing to be out of my comfort zone is needed. Dieing mentally, emotionally, and spiritualy is needed to completely allow God's love and compassion in you, and therfore flow through you.
Tears- are really important. Tears move people, heal people, show people love...which brings me to there has to be love in compassion~compassion is a language of love that know no limits! Mother Teresa said something that touched me, 'you have to see Jesus in every person you meet' >WOW what a statement. I am going to strive for that! How amazing would it be to see Jesus every where you go????
Forgivness is a strong component in compassion. You must be willing to think of the now and future and not focus on the past. I feel like our world today hinders us from looking at the past.
Compassion must be personal. It has to be more than feelings but also actions.
Again the most important aspect of compassion is~LOVE!!! Jesus' cross is a cross of compassion and love!
On my discussion of the book and topic of compassion I leave you with two items-
"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" (Gal. 5:6)
and
"So let us open our heats wide to love. Love is the mightest thing in the world. Love makes us to love and to do. God is love. I can do all things through Love which strengthen me." -Amy Carmichael, 1867-1951
On another note- One of my tema members had to leave on Sunday. It was sad to see him go but he is coming back....so its all good. I just am worried...I am a worry-ier. But I trust God..
Today was a tough-y. My mood went up and down, but I mean it went out good. The day ended ..well is going on right now-girl talk. Plus just great friends that are not girls, or not here!
I have a prayer to end this blog:
Dear Lord,
Thank you Father for given me this day. Thank you for the joys and the blessing, thank you for being in my heart and caring me in hard times. Thank you for the people and events you have been placeing in my heart. God, I pray that you fill me with this love and passion you went the world to know!!! Set my heart on fire God. I just pray you open my eyes to the people and seeing you in them. I give you my troubles Lord. Please be with all the concerns on my heart...
I love you with all my heart and am open to your will.
In your name we pray~
Amen
God bless
and love you all ~ go out in passionate compassion!
Today I finished the book my chior teacher gave me: Women on the Front Lines Series; Compassion.
It was a very good book. I loved learning about women who stood up for the love they had in their hearts. A lot of it was focused on service to poor and sick. It was hard to relate to these women some of the time though because they where from the past, and delt with different times and cultures. But it was still so encouraging to read about sticking up for even faith.
I learned a lot about being compassionate to people. Learing to be out of my comfort zone is needed. Dieing mentally, emotionally, and spiritualy is needed to completely allow God's love and compassion in you, and therfore flow through you.
Tears- are really important. Tears move people, heal people, show people love...which brings me to there has to be love in compassion~compassion is a language of love that know no limits! Mother Teresa said something that touched me, 'you have to see Jesus in every person you meet' >WOW what a statement. I am going to strive for that! How amazing would it be to see Jesus every where you go????
Forgivness is a strong component in compassion. You must be willing to think of the now and future and not focus on the past. I feel like our world today hinders us from looking at the past.
Compassion must be personal. It has to be more than feelings but also actions.
Again the most important aspect of compassion is~LOVE!!! Jesus' cross is a cross of compassion and love!
On my discussion of the book and topic of compassion I leave you with two items-
"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love" (Gal. 5:6)
and
"So let us open our heats wide to love. Love is the mightest thing in the world. Love makes us to love and to do. God is love. I can do all things through Love which strengthen me." -Amy Carmichael, 1867-1951
On another note- One of my tema members had to leave on Sunday. It was sad to see him go but he is coming back....so its all good. I just am worried...I am a worry-ier. But I trust God..
Today was a tough-y. My mood went up and down, but I mean it went out good. The day ended ..well is going on right now-girl talk. Plus just great friends that are not girls, or not here!
I have a prayer to end this blog:
Dear Lord,
Thank you Father for given me this day. Thank you for the joys and the blessing, thank you for being in my heart and caring me in hard times. Thank you for the people and events you have been placeing in my heart. God, I pray that you fill me with this love and passion you went the world to know!!! Set my heart on fire God. I just pray you open my eyes to the people and seeing you in them. I give you my troubles Lord. Please be with all the concerns on my heart...
I love you with all my heart and am open to your will.
In your name we pray~
Amen
God bless
and love you all ~ go out in passionate compassion!
Walls....
hey you,
I have started missing people really man. Just little things. Hugging Caleb in publications everyday. Seeing people in band. Going to work and haveing fun makeing subs. Just all around...oh and Ali....miss her like crazy. Teachers...yeah, I miss just the presence of teachers.
But its all good. Jon's mom came Friday night. We had a really good time. Plus she taught us a lot about what is happening in Israel and Palestine. There is many things that I didn't realize where going on! For one thing the wall, there is a wall going up and makeing life very difficult.
I started thinking about this wall...
Walls just are so negative. When we think of homes, we don't think of the walls...But there are some, but when it is just one wall, or the wall- there is a negative conotation to it. Walls in our minds, hearts, physical walls-Berlin, walls in our bodies that harm our health, walls between peoples. We need to break all sorts of walls- but some walls are just so hard- incrusted with pretty looking diamonds, but those pretty looking diamonds hide the fact that they are actually makeing it harder to knock it down. The thought of a wall as good- makes it harder to break down. It is a denial that this wall is blocking something and needs to be changed....
Well just thought I would just jot down some thoughts- I gotta go to class, but will write more later.
Luv you all!
I have started missing people really man. Just little things. Hugging Caleb in publications everyday. Seeing people in band. Going to work and haveing fun makeing subs. Just all around...oh and Ali....miss her like crazy. Teachers...yeah, I miss just the presence of teachers.
But its all good. Jon's mom came Friday night. We had a really good time. Plus she taught us a lot about what is happening in Israel and Palestine. There is many things that I didn't realize where going on! For one thing the wall, there is a wall going up and makeing life very difficult.
I started thinking about this wall...
Walls just are so negative. When we think of homes, we don't think of the walls...But there are some, but when it is just one wall, or the wall- there is a negative conotation to it. Walls in our minds, hearts, physical walls-Berlin, walls in our bodies that harm our health, walls between peoples. We need to break all sorts of walls- but some walls are just so hard- incrusted with pretty looking diamonds, but those pretty looking diamonds hide the fact that they are actually makeing it harder to knock it down. The thought of a wall as good- makes it harder to break down. It is a denial that this wall is blocking something and needs to be changed....
Well just thought I would just jot down some thoughts- I gotta go to class, but will write more later.
Luv you all!
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