Oh so much muscle yet so tired....he he he

So what up?

he he he, My service assignment partner, Karin and I have been working hard these past few weeks. We have been striping.......THE FLOORS. Oh snap. he he he, but seriously we have been takeing the wax of floors and re-waxing them, but first the resident currently living in the room has to be moved into another room...which means a lot of moving.

It is a lot of hard work, but I love seeing the dirty floors get clean, plus since last week, Bishop Conway Residence has gotten a new buffer machine!!! he he he. Oh on down time we get to hang out with all the cool people there!! The two women in the picture, I play cards with after lunch. Marylou also danced with me!!!

Also the lovely lady in this picture, plays dominos with us sometimes, and she cracks me up!! he he he, she always has something funny to say. She also like to salsa dance!!! he he he

But I really really enjoy working there. I feel like there is something getting accomplished! But thats not the only thing ....

these woman ...and a few males are so cool. Some are very strong in their faith. It is so awesome to hear there stories, and just be with them. Plus our supervisors and other staff memebers are like a family. One woman sees us sometimes on the bus, but anyhoo, she is just so amazing! Wow .....

This week I am trying to focus on God's love. It is really hard sometimes...ya know feeling like I deserve it. I don't I am a sinner...and some other stuff goes in my head. But God gives it to us freely.....because he loves us. He gives us his love because he loves us! he he he isn't that an odd but such a true statement!

I am so glad for peeps around me, and some at a certain Ohio college which starts with and H. he he he....I love Ali so much.

But get this...I have been in the mood for some Mango Sorbet!!! he hehe, wow. You know what, I really want some jamba juice...he he he. Sorry silliness... Oh man. But hey I am also working on a small video of whats been going on. I hope to have it done soon!

Hey have an awesome week..

I am working on a book on Compassion and then on to Blue Like Jazz. he he he...oh and something elses has changed....can any guess.

God bless

Luv,

Caitlyn

Thinking is hard sometimes!

Hey peeps,
Wow, thanks for some of the feedback I have gotten on my last blog. I feel very supported in my walk with Christ. I am still working --but hey, who isn't right?
I recently finished When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Wow, what an amazing book!!! At first it seemed so dim...but then it gave a light at the end. There was a chapter about the book of Job and another somewhat looking at the Creation story and Adam and Eve. I have never looked at the stories in that way before...Job as a fable, because who could be so good? But there was so much more to that story that I didn't know about!! And in the Creation story, I have never caught where it says "Then God said 'Let us make man in our image, in ourlikeness and let them ful over..." Genesis 1:26. God made man in his image yes, but also in the image of animal. Yet, there is a clear distinction between animal and man. Man has the ability to make choices and not have to "follow nature's order of life," we can love, we can chose to do something right, or something wrong. And that ability of choices are why bad things happen from humans to humans. Since we have the ability to chose then we have the ability to chose the wrong way. Now with nature occurences, happen because God created this world and nature, and nature and weather sometimes just takes its course. This s not God's blame, but he can help. I believe nature takes its course and people sometimes chose to do wrong, and God isn't to blame, but with him we can make it good. "It is what we do as a result of what bad happened to us" that really matters.
If and when we ask God for help, he is there!
I gotta go for class now, but I will write more later! Have a fantastic day!!!
God bless
Luv
Caitlyn

The truth.....

Lately I have been torn. I have already open up so much, and the vulnerability hurt, the lack of my walls or barriers have left me unable to control my emotions as well as before. But since I have open up and shared my testimony I feel I am not myself, or I am always on the guard to protect others from my feelings. Does that make any sense?
I feel a lot. There is no other way of putting it. When I feel, I feel all the way, through and through. When I express my feelings, the deepness of where those feelings come from tends to show me as overwhelming to some.
In this sense I am sorry to any I have offended. I do not mean to be too intense for anyone. But then again sometimes I give my all in emotional situations, but have the invitation to stop engulfing someone with “my love” (now you maybe wondering why I have but parenthesizes around my love, well, that topic is soon coming!). I hurt when I receive such an invitations! No matter how small, or large these coincidences maybe, it is offensive to me that someone would ask me to lower my emotional outpour.
I love people, and some people are extremely close to my heart. Not that I don’t care and love everyone, there are some people who have impacted my life in ways which draws me close to them in spirit. Let me give this quick side note, if any feels they have not received this love or emotional out powering I am talking about, please contact me. I would hate for you to not know I love you….and let me tell you why!
I do not feel I deserve love (OH MY GASP!!!). I have a self-esteem deficiency, for lack of a better word. Many would know, I absolutely hate-hate the way I look. There for why does someone as ugly and fat as I deserve any love (this is why showing others my love for them is important, to make up for the negative I don’t deserve). I know full well this is untrue, but it is something I have held onto …since I can remember. Something at the Mennonite Youth Convention this year struck me, “How can I expect God to love me, when I don’t even love myself?” Wow, what a statement. I did believe that for sometime! But since a turning point my junior year in high school, I know God loves me…I just hurt him. I know I hurt and make God depressed when I pray to him my feelings of hatred upon myself. Why can’t I just understand God made me, the fat, ugly, silly, stupid person I believe to be….and he loves me? I don’t know, that is still one I am working on, but I do know he loves me, which is at least a step.
Knowing he loves me has driven me. I want to care for people. I want to be ‘Auntie Caitlyn’ to everyone who may need an ‘Auntie Caitlyn.’ Sometimes I may be to overbearing in my desire to help or care for you, but I am not fake in it at all. I really care about you!!! It gives me great joy to “love on someone.” He he he, that doesn’t sound right, but I mean making a fuss over someone. Really, I enjoy caring for others, but it is not just love that is already in me. God puts love in my heart, and it is a duty and a JOY to share it with others.
God has put so much love in my heart. I would burst if I didn’t share it with other people! He he he, so why then would any one in their right mind ask me to stop spreading love? See, that’s what I don’t know. I do know that respecting personal boundaries, physically and emotionally, have something to do with it. But it is hard for me to understand that completely. This past summer I have had to work on both, but I still have been able to be myself. Lately having limits on my outpouring of love seems to me, asking me to stop being me.
It probably isn’t, but then again hurting clogs my emotional processing. Not that I am making excuses, I just don’t know sometimes how to get past the hurt.
So for now, I have to work on it. Coming into this year, starting RAD, I knew God was going to show me a lot about love. This is not what I expected, but then again God is not able to be pinned down.
Right now I am working on emotions, and love…
Love is so deep for me and so important, actually one of the most important things, including faith and hope! He he he, Bible verse! Oh snap.
But seriously, I thought I would actually update you on what is going on besides my physical doings in Chicago …which I still will keep doing!
I will leave you with a quote from a book I just finished less than 3 hours ago…and still processing (so next time I write guess what it will be on!).

From When Bad Things Happen to Good People –by Harold S. Kushner
“…love is the one thing no one, not even God can command. It is a free gift, or it is nothing. And it is most itself, most free, when it is offered in spite of suffering, of in justice, and of death.’ We do not love God because he is perfect. We do not love him because He protects us from all harm and keeps evil things from happening to us. We do not love him because we are afraid of Him, or because He will hurt us if we turn our back on Him. We love Him because He is God, because He is the author of all the beauty and the order around us, the source of our strength and the hope and courage with which we are helped in our time of need. We love Him because he is the best part of ourselves and of our world. That is what it means to love. Love is not the admiration of perfection, but the acceptance of an imperfect person with all his imperfections, because loving and accepting him makes us better and stronger.”

God bless
Luv,
Caitlyn


P.S. Before I posted this I had some people read it. I got mixed feelings from it. I am going to blog it...its me. I am here now! Um, but rememeber I am working on these feelings!

Hey there peeps,

Another week, another ....something! he he he, but so get this the US vs. Brazil soccer game was so sweet! On the way to the game on the bus, Melina and I talked to the Uncle and Father of #3 on the US team!!! And he got the first goal! But the game was really really cool. I have tons of pics. But it was odd because, you always see these guys do amazing things on tv and never figure that they do that for real, BUT THEY DO!!! he he he, so awesome day there. When we got home from the game the Latin America and Europe mission representatives came to take to us about what we would be doing and what to expect. That talk went into the next day...till lunch.

Monday lunch they left and James Krabill came! He wrote a book called 'Is it insentive for me to share my faith?' We talked about Evangalism and Peace and how they are intertwinded. He told us some stuff, but then our group went off unto a crazy 45min. discussion. It was really good. He came and had diner with us, and then we watched a video from his time in Africa.

Tuesday we let him do the talking, but we did a really cool acitivity where he gave us 3 stories in a hypothetical book. We had to figure out if we the book belonged in the evangilism or peace section. It was a very intriguing discussion, we went off the scheduled topic a bit, but the talks were still really deep and thought provoking.

For lunches on Tuesday we have a hospitality meal. This Tuesday we had 12 people at a 6 people table. But we all fitted!!! 4 to 3 seats make it easier to get "close" to someone!!! he he he, just kidding. In the afternoon we got the results from or personality test. I am an enFj. I think it fits my personality very well. We learned how better our personalities can work better. That evening Brenda Matthews came to talk with us.

Wedensday -Friday from now on is when we will be working at our service assingments. Karin and I work at retirement support center. Wedensday we moved a woman to another room so we could strip her floor of old wax. That night Darrell came over and made us a thai dinner. It was so good...that we all had to take pictures of it!!! he he he oh and we ate those left overs for the rest of the weeks, so we really don't have to do a bunch of grociery shopping!!! That night Krista came and we had a discussion on hospitality and service. It was good.

Thursday, Karin and I rewaxed the floor and had some with the ladies there! It was good, I played dominos and uno with 3 women. They were so funny. I really enjoyed just chilling with them. One was so motherly and giving all this advice. We had already finished the waxing so it was cool. The floor in the room looked so much better!!! I loved that fact in two days we got to know some sah-weet ladies and cleaned a floor really well. Plus earlier that morning on the bus we saw the activites director and she had a good discussion with us on women today vs. history. That night I was sick ...first I was stupid about it, but then everyone stopped me from being stupid anymore, and took care of me. THANKS GUYS!!!

Friday, I was feeling a lot more better, that day we moved the woman back into her clean room, and played price is right with a group of women and 2 gentlemen....oh so funny is the price is right. That night we went to Krista's house to meet the MVS'ers and play bored games...I know Fifi had a good time... We played games and just had a chilaxing evening, intil on the way home we meet some interesting people, but its all good.

Saturday Melinda, Rachel, Kevin and I went to the hear some African singers at the Garfield Park Conservatory. They were so cool, plus it smelt so wonderful there. We saw Orlando from the church next to our house. He is pretty freaking sweet! But no really, the music was awesome. And we went to the market next to it. There were some amazing women who did artistic things. We all bought cards from this woman's business called God's Idea. They are awesome. Later on after that, we all went to the cheesecake festival. Yummy cheesecake, but by the time we got home we were all beat. So we decided to watch Annie that night. he he he....

Today is Sunday, we went to a hymn sing at 9. It was so beautiful, and we sung some my favorite hymns. I started laughing so I had leave earlier than the rest of the peeps. Then we all went to another church and had an ....interesting experience. Now we are all chilaxing...I am going to go into town to get coffee and go to the Celtic fest. Woop woop.

This week I was stupid. Now I could blame it on physical obsitculs, but the underlineing thing of it all is I was being stupid. But thank goodness God has given me some special people around me to take care of me when I don't want it, but really do need it.

Like I said earlier to some, I think God is going to show me a lot about love this year. This week the theme of parent love was very abundunt in talks with many people. Also love for people I don't even know was stirred inside of me. I have started reading the book "Why Bad things Happen to Good People". It is very hard to question things that are important in my faith. Especially about God's goodness...which I don't doubt by the way, but the thoughts which arise from reading my book or talking with others help my own faith strenghthen a lot. I am scared, but excited to see what God is going to keep showing me.

Welp I am off for some yummy coffee!!! he he he.....God bless you all. I love you and I am always here for you!

Suprise, suprise!!!

Why hello again,

Let me tell ya...this week has been absolutely crazy!!! No lie. Monday we shared our life stories, and I was really freaked out. I loved learning about people, I respected their vulnarablity so much. I appreciate them a whole bunch, not that I didn't before, but this just took it to a whole new level! I went last...I cried before I even said anything so you know it wasn't going to end ...dry!

I let it all out, and they did not shun me, so I felt tons better. They all hugged me, and was very loveing...I aprreciated that so freaking much! Afterwards, we were a very strong group, but not going to lie, I felt very empty from letting me out so much. I hate burdening other people, so it was even harder because when I let it all..I can't take it back. I let down a wall that I keep up so that I can hold it all in and take on other people's burdens with out giveing out any of my own, but now that wall is gone. So it took till today (Friday) to feel ...better, or just able to handle my emotions. But it's all good!

On Tuesday, I got a shocker...not going to Sweden! Yeah we (the Sweden team) found out that the visas for Sweden take 6-8 months to get...obviously we do not have that kind of time! So we had no idea where we were going...our phrase for the next couple days was..."We have no freakin' idea!!!!" he he he. That was just our way of handeling the news. I personally just was freaked out. I did not want to think about it to, to much, but not knowing yout future at all is very scary. So then we had a lunch with Orlando, the pastor from the First Brethren Church next door. In the afternoon, I went shopping with Jon. He was so funny, he acted like a little kid, wanting all the cool drinks and stuff. When we put all the groceries away, 6 of us went to do laundry....then we just chilaxed.

Wednesday, we all were running late. I didn't even have time to make coffee!!! OH NO! he he he, but first we went to a Priest's house and I scrubbed two bathrooms with my buddy..Rachel!! It was great to have that feeling of acomplishment, it kept my mind off other things. I was thinking about coffee the whole time though!!Oh coffee how I love you... Father Bill and his assistant bought us pizza for lunch. Then we made our way to GCFD (Greater Chicago Food Depository), but not before we stopped at a starbucks....woop woop! At GCFD we packaged up bread in boxes. It was crazy, but again I liked doing it because it kept my mind off stuff. We had tons of fun throwing tons of bread...if you have facebook I have a clip of the exact amount of bread. Then we went home, I let my guard down. It was a yucky night for me, but luckily my RAD group is freaking fantastic, and they comforted me a lot. I stayed up till midnight, because Thursday was Rachel's bday. I woke her up at midnight, and yelled happy bday to her, then we sang. She was so freaked out, but it was fun!!!

Thursday morning we went around to 4 different spots in the city and we journaled on a Psalm. I was in a funky mood because I was thinking about my friend. But I found out it was okay to be in a sad mood. Talk more about that in a bit...don't wanna lose my train of thought. So after we were finished with the 4th stop, Krista took all of us out for Rachel's bday. Amy and I got her flowers, and I took some photos of her...she looks like a model!!! After lunch we went home for a bit, but then left pretty soon afterwards to go help Children of Abuse. We all had to put on these bright orange vest and carry around a boot on a street cornor to try to help them. We raised a good bit of money. It was fun, but also exahusting. The boys and I came home to fix dinner. I wanted to make a cake for Rachel, but the BBQ just made it a disater. It seemed everything was going wrong!!! I mean, it was ok. Nothing to terrible, and we still ate, but agh! So I talked to Ali on the phone again, which helped a butt load.

On Friday it was a lot better. Karin and I went to our service assignment at a reiterment center. We got on the wrong bus, but once we figured it out it was fine. he he he, oh man! I love all the people at the building, I can't wait to start working there!! After we were done at noon, we went downtown so I could get my brother a bday present and mail some packages. We went and ate at this super delicious pizza place amazin!!! The postoffice line was to long so we came home. At home, I feel asleep at my laptop I was so exahusted. I woke up 2.5 hours later in my bed...he he he. Then Amy and I cooked dinner. It turned out really well for some one half asleep. We were all so giddy and stuff when we woke up for dinner. Last night we all went to bed early.

Today I have to finish up some projects, bake Rachel a cake, send out some letters and packages, buy some stuff, and then I am going to the German American fest! Tommrow it is church and the soccer game!!! Oh man I am so excited.

This week has been so emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I put myself out there so much, it hurt a bit. But I found a group of people who care for me and will but up with my stupidity. he he he. Emotions and hard work just built up, and I am glad to start another day.

'Although I may weep tonight, Joy will come in the morning!' God is with me, and he allows me to sad. I am so grateful for not haveing to act fake happy all the time...it is hard, but God wants me to be real. I think he has given me the people I need to keep me strong. Hugs from Kevin, talks with the girls, shaveing parties, coffee, music, realness...these things all allow me to be ...me, happy me. But also sad me, because life isn't always going to be one big joy ride, sadness and darkness is a part of it as well. I know that God is with me and holds me in his arms, and he will fill my emptiness. I think this year God is going to show me a lot about love....I can't wait.

I hope you all have a REAL week, and I am here for you....

So..Yeah..WOW!!!

Hey all,

I hope everyone is fantastic. This is my first week of RAD, and can I say whew! I mean it is an amazing program, I love it in fact, but so much to think about! The first day was heys, and starting in right away on a covenent. Monday, covenent most of the day, as well as going to some neghiborhoods. Tuesday..we finally finished up the covenent. We also started to get to know the city and the transportation ...thing! Oh and we had some yummy Chinese food in Chinatown. Wedensday we traveled around to different neghiborhoods. I loved how in just a matter of minutes you were indulged into a different culture..Greek, Italien, Indian, Mexican, Chinese, downtown, and many others... Thursday we had a free morning, but it was used to go grociery shopping and cleaning the apartment we are staying in. In the afternoon we created blogs and found out other sites to find things to do in Chicago! Friday morning the group went to help clean a school which got flooded, but I was to sick to go. I slept that morning, but by the afternoon I felt much better-which was a good thing, because we had a guest speaker, Mark Zehr. He was with us Friday evening and Saturday morning- he talked about worship. Saturday afternoon we were blindfolded, and dropped of in the city, in pairs, and we had to find our way back home. We had dinner, and then went to The House, a hip-hop church for youth. Today we are going to the First Bretheren Chruch, and then talking about our images of God-then I believe we are going to check out the jazz festival!

We have organized the house-cleaning is done by everyone, but somedays we each get our own duty. Then for cooking, we cook in pairs, and the pair that cooks the next night has to do the dishes. We even have the one bathroom-8 people situation, a sign helps a lot.

Actually we have a statement we say often- Celebrating our differences. I think this fits extremely well, we are so different, but comeing together for this one duty! We haven't really gotten to know each other yet, but Monday and Tuesday we are sharing our life stories....I am scared to death.

What if they shun me? I always feel that way before sharing my testimony. I don't know why, but eh. I think that I haven't been my self completely here. I held back so I would be accepted, but thankfully to a very good friend...Ali, I know that I just need to be myself all the way, because I like who I am, personality wise. I don't know it is a wierd feeling.

I have been distant from my team this week to because I have been worried about events at home and past things ...catching up to me. But I think with growing to know a few, if not all of my team better, has meltied that wall I built. So watch out RAD Caitlyn is here....he he he he