Ya know just thinking...

Once again I sit in the office, just waiting for the next step. There are things that need to be done, but I wait for something to come or pass before I can move. Sometimes the office is boring, but altogether I enjoy it like crazy.
March has to be the worse month for me. I wish I could just pass over it and not look back, but seeing how the past sneaks up on you, and you can never just skip a month here and there, I guess I will just have to deal with it.
This month I miss home the most, more than any holidays or other special occasions thus far. I realize how important the people at home are to me, how much I miss certain things, and whom I wish I could lean on right now.
Other things are happening to. Some really great things like birthdays, Thursday night volleyball, Bible study, hanging with some friends here, and travelling; but also some not so great things as well like missing someone, worrying about the future and money, dreading the 30th and how that day sticks in my mind.
I know I have not been as close to God as either one of us would like. I need to work on that, and I know my heart would be at peace more.

I wish for just one minute the world would stop moving, and I could stop thinking and feeling and just be. I wish I could just scream and cry and laugh and jump at the same time for all the joy and pain which is going on inside me. But life doesn’t stop; it is part of life to figure out how to keep going in those moments of desiring it to stop or even slow down.

Another day in the office...

Today in the office, we have the window open. A light breeze comes in along with the birds singing, kids playing, and builders working away. If I listen closely the sea maybe heard ever so softly.
Breathing in this atmosphere should be easy. Life’s troubles and quarries should be far from my mind.
On my face you see a smile-a true one at that. My eyes are alive, although a wee bit droopy because of a late night. Yet something, something is not right.
In my head you can hear words of praise and worship to my amazing Father, thanking him for everything in my life, loving him, and finding his wisdom and strength planted inside me.
I feel joyous, yet something inside me tugs at my heart and says this is wrong. What right do I have to feel happy? Why should I like the way I look? I need to be worried about life! I don’t have any idea of what is going to happen next year!
Is it ok to feel to extremes at once? Am I a normal 18 year old, or going a wee bit loopy?

God has taught me much this year so far- and I still have more than 3 months to go!
Letting people, but more importantly letting GOD love me.
Finding my strength in the Lord.
Learning why God puts certain people in my life.
How to stick up for what I believe in.
Knowing there are dark times and times of trial, but God is never gone from my heart. I just need to call upon him and rest fully in his arms.
Finding the little things to be thankful for (ex. The spray of the sea in the morning.)
Letting God have all of me.

I am far from completing these, but God is helping me.

I know what I feel is part of my chronic depression, and also of Satan pushing my buttons.
I get so tired of trying sometimes- but I know I can do this. I know I can live life.

I love you all so very much.God bless