Once again I sit in the office, just waiting for the next step. There are things that need to be done, but I wait for something to come or pass before I can move. Sometimes the office is boring, but altogether I enjoy it like crazy.
March has to be the worse month for me. I wish I could just pass over it and not look back, but seeing how the past sneaks up on you, and you can never just skip a month here and there, I guess I will just have to deal with it.
This month I miss home the most, more than any holidays or other special occasions thus far. I realize how important the people at home are to me, how much I miss certain things, and whom I wish I could lean on right now.
Other things are happening to. Some really great things like birthdays, Thursday night volleyball, Bible study, hanging with some friends here, and travelling; but also some not so great things as well like missing someone, worrying about the future and money, dreading the 30th and how that day sticks in my mind.
I know I have not been as close to God as either one of us would like. I need to work on that, and I know my heart would be at peace more.
I wish for just one minute the world would stop moving, and I could stop thinking and feeling and just be. I wish I could just scream and cry and laugh and jump at the same time for all the joy and pain which is going on inside me. But life doesn’t stop; it is part of life to figure out how to keep going in those moments of desiring it to stop or even slow down.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Another day in the office...
Today in the office, we have the window open. A light breeze comes in along with the birds singing, kids playing, and builders working away. If I listen closely the sea maybe heard ever so softly.
Breathing in this atmosphere should be easy. Life’s troubles and quarries should be far from my mind.
On my face you see a smile-a true one at that. My eyes are alive, although a wee bit droopy because of a late night. Yet something, something is not right.
In my head you can hear words of praise and worship to my amazing Father, thanking him for everything in my life, loving him, and finding his wisdom and strength planted inside me.
I feel joyous, yet something inside me tugs at my heart and says this is wrong. What right do I have to feel happy? Why should I like the way I look? I need to be worried about life! I don’t have any idea of what is going to happen next year!
Is it ok to feel to extremes at once? Am I a normal 18 year old, or going a wee bit loopy?
God has taught me much this year so far- and I still have more than 3 months to go!
Letting people, but more importantly letting GOD love me.
Finding my strength in the Lord.
Learning why God puts certain people in my life.
How to stick up for what I believe in.
Knowing there are dark times and times of trial, but God is never gone from my heart. I just need to call upon him and rest fully in his arms.
Finding the little things to be thankful for (ex. The spray of the sea in the morning.)
Letting God have all of me.
I am far from completing these, but God is helping me.
I know what I feel is part of my chronic depression, and also of Satan pushing my buttons.
I get so tired of trying sometimes- but I know I can do this. I know I can live life.
I love you all so very much.God bless
Breathing in this atmosphere should be easy. Life’s troubles and quarries should be far from my mind.
On my face you see a smile-a true one at that. My eyes are alive, although a wee bit droopy because of a late night. Yet something, something is not right.
In my head you can hear words of praise and worship to my amazing Father, thanking him for everything in my life, loving him, and finding his wisdom and strength planted inside me.
I feel joyous, yet something inside me tugs at my heart and says this is wrong. What right do I have to feel happy? Why should I like the way I look? I need to be worried about life! I don’t have any idea of what is going to happen next year!
Is it ok to feel to extremes at once? Am I a normal 18 year old, or going a wee bit loopy?
God has taught me much this year so far- and I still have more than 3 months to go!
Letting people, but more importantly letting GOD love me.
Finding my strength in the Lord.
Learning why God puts certain people in my life.
How to stick up for what I believe in.
Knowing there are dark times and times of trial, but God is never gone from my heart. I just need to call upon him and rest fully in his arms.
Finding the little things to be thankful for (ex. The spray of the sea in the morning.)
Letting God have all of me.
I am far from completing these, but God is helping me.
I know what I feel is part of my chronic depression, and also of Satan pushing my buttons.
I get so tired of trying sometimes- but I know I can do this. I know I can live life.
I love you all so very much.God bless
Friday, February 15, 2008
Strong vs. weekness
Have things ever seemed to repeat themselves?
I believe if we don't deal with the past, try to hide it, and try never to think about it again- it always seems to come back to haunt us!
Isn't there anyway to leave the past behind us? Yes, to move on we must deal with it-scratch that, deal with it seems to harsh. To move on we must heal from the past.
I wish things wouldn't keep popping up, but they always seem to sneak up when you least expect it or wish it to be there.
To heal, to be complete, to be yourself again-takes time-but at least you are growing positivly from it. One must find how to help themselves and not think of themselves as week.
That has to be the worst downfall in recovery-the fear of weekness.
It is ok to be sad and mad and depressed- just don't let it get you stuck in one place. It is how you grow from those moments which make you ultimitley strong- even though you may feel week!
I find it hard to be (act) strong all the time. It is ok not to put on your best strong impression-because if you give your past to Jesus, you will be come strong with God's love. It may be hard to feel that strength at times because our minds get in the way, but it is there and will always be there.
I pray you all KEEP strong and cherish the moments for what they are worth- even the ones you wish you didn't have
I believe if we don't deal with the past, try to hide it, and try never to think about it again- it always seems to come back to haunt us!
Isn't there anyway to leave the past behind us? Yes, to move on we must deal with it-scratch that, deal with it seems to harsh. To move on we must heal from the past.
I wish things wouldn't keep popping up, but they always seem to sneak up when you least expect it or wish it to be there.
To heal, to be complete, to be yourself again-takes time-but at least you are growing positivly from it. One must find how to help themselves and not think of themselves as week.
That has to be the worst downfall in recovery-the fear of weekness.
It is ok to be sad and mad and depressed- just don't let it get you stuck in one place. It is how you grow from those moments which make you ultimitley strong- even though you may feel week!
I find it hard to be (act) strong all the time. It is ok not to put on your best strong impression-because if you give your past to Jesus, you will be come strong with God's love. It may be hard to feel that strength at times because our minds get in the way, but it is there and will always be there.
I pray you all KEEP strong and cherish the moments for what they are worth- even the ones you wish you didn't have
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
thoughts!
Sometimes it is hard to express what is inside you. Yesterday at youth service the speaker asked us to rate our live at that point. We had to talk to our neighbours about it. Afterwards the speaker went on to say what we said to our neighbours is different then what we tell ourselves. It is so very true!!!
Like an iceberg, many people only see the top of it (in fact almost everyone). But there is a huge mass dwelling beneath the surface, which no one can see. The time they might see it, will be to late.
Everyday we re-hide our true selves, and only let people see what we have created ourselves to be. Maybe every so often people catch a glimpse of what you hide.
Isn’t how those whom see your true side, influence what you show or not show others?
I think that God wants us to start revealing ourselves. Not meaning, telling everyone everything, because that could be as bad as not revealing anything as well. But enough to show others we are real and feel the same as they do.
That is how Jesus connected to us. He went through these hard times as we do. He felt things as we have felt. We know this because he told us so. It is easier to tell someone something if you know they have felt or been through the same thing.
This is much easier said then done! Defiantly for myself, I am preaching to the choir here. But I want to make myself more available for people to have the opportunity to show God’s love.
And that is what it is all about, Loving God and Loving Others With the Love God Puts in Our Hearts!!!
Like an iceberg, many people only see the top of it (in fact almost everyone). But there is a huge mass dwelling beneath the surface, which no one can see. The time they might see it, will be to late.
Everyday we re-hide our true selves, and only let people see what we have created ourselves to be. Maybe every so often people catch a glimpse of what you hide.
Isn’t how those whom see your true side, influence what you show or not show others?
I think that God wants us to start revealing ourselves. Not meaning, telling everyone everything, because that could be as bad as not revealing anything as well. But enough to show others we are real and feel the same as they do.
That is how Jesus connected to us. He went through these hard times as we do. He felt things as we have felt. We know this because he told us so. It is easier to tell someone something if you know they have felt or been through the same thing.
This is much easier said then done! Defiantly for myself, I am preaching to the choir here. But I want to make myself more available for people to have the opportunity to show God’s love.
And that is what it is all about, Loving God and Loving Others With the Love God Puts in Our Hearts!!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Right?
I look outside and I don't see any snow. That should be good right? I walk down the mountain to my home and feel brisk wind on my cheeks. That should be good right? I walk in to a slight cold house, but doesn't matter to much because I warm up fast. That should be good right?
It is good, but why do I feel so bad? I am happy but torn and cracked with sadness. I want to be strong and overcome this rope trying to hold me down. Sometimes I just give in though, because be strong all the time is so tiresome.
I can beat it I know....just sometimes my heart needs a lift.
Stupid depression.....
It is good, but why do I feel so bad? I am happy but torn and cracked with sadness. I want to be strong and overcome this rope trying to hold me down. Sometimes I just give in though, because be strong all the time is so tiresome.
I can beat it I know....just sometimes my heart needs a lift.
Stupid depression.....
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Moments~Greenhill
...Sometimes in life you have those moments…the ones you sit back on, you stew on them, analyze them till your to the bone of the event. The moments in which you know is important, but can not seem to put your finger on why. The moments where you have no idea what the next step in life is, like the moment sweeps you away and you are hidden behind a blindfold and do not know where you will end up.
Life is full of little moments that just kill you…..moments that fill you with joy....moments that want to make you cry out in anger….moments that make you cry with gladness
Why are moments so important? Is it just little beads on a thread, individually they are small and may get lost, but pulled all together they become a beautiful piece of art.
I do not know why moments are so important, why they seem like all you have. They are means of communication, togetherness, and sharing. In a moment you create a bond with that person you shared it with, whether that person is some one you know or a complete stranger.
Moments seem to drain my mind; I do not know what to do with them. They weigh on me until I drop to the ground.
I have moments in my mind at this very moment, ones that leave their presence here even as I type.
Think about what happened just five minutes ago, the scene or event you are thinking about is a moment. Now I do not know whether or not it is important. What I do know, no matter how small it is, it made an impact on your life!
I feel: rage, anger, joy, passion, sad, depressed, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, quite, calm, reserved, love, concern, jealousy, lonely, lost, found, weak, strong, hungry, thirst, hot, pain, sorrow, grief, happy, tired, content, hopeful, doubtful, encouraged, scared, saved, and many more…..
I want to cry, just to release these feeling, but it is all wrong. I do not know where or when to do it. I do not know who can be there and who can not. By the time I figure it out, I have no energy to.
I want to sleep till this is all done. I want to sleep when I know I do not want to cry. I want to sleep to gain energy….
Time can only tell what will happen….
Moments will keep coming, I will keep being overwhelmed, I will feel a lot of things, but I know I can do this. Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary pure and holy, tide and true, with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you!
Life is full of little moments that just kill you…..moments that fill you with joy....moments that want to make you cry out in anger….moments that make you cry with gladness
Why are moments so important? Is it just little beads on a thread, individually they are small and may get lost, but pulled all together they become a beautiful piece of art.
I do not know why moments are so important, why they seem like all you have. They are means of communication, togetherness, and sharing. In a moment you create a bond with that person you shared it with, whether that person is some one you know or a complete stranger.
Moments seem to drain my mind; I do not know what to do with them. They weigh on me until I drop to the ground.
I have moments in my mind at this very moment, ones that leave their presence here even as I type.
Think about what happened just five minutes ago, the scene or event you are thinking about is a moment. Now I do not know whether or not it is important. What I do know, no matter how small it is, it made an impact on your life!
I feel: rage, anger, joy, passion, sad, depressed, fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, quite, calm, reserved, love, concern, jealousy, lonely, lost, found, weak, strong, hungry, thirst, hot, pain, sorrow, grief, happy, tired, content, hopeful, doubtful, encouraged, scared, saved, and many more…..
I want to cry, just to release these feeling, but it is all wrong. I do not know where or when to do it. I do not know who can be there and who can not. By the time I figure it out, I have no energy to.
I want to sleep till this is all done. I want to sleep when I know I do not want to cry. I want to sleep to gain energy….
Time can only tell what will happen….
Moments will keep coming, I will keep being overwhelmed, I will feel a lot of things, but I know I can do this. Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary pure and holy, tide and true, with thanksgiving I’ll be a living sanctuary for you!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Oh my word~Craziness
Oh my word~ Craziness
I am in Northern Ireland, and what do I think….hum? Well, I don’t really know. I think about some things, some of the time. But not everything all of the time! Clear as mud, eh?
…Sorry, I am ok…I think. I really like where I am living, except it gets cold sometimes. But it is so beautiful. We have a huge window in the living room and it looks out unto the coast..ahhh. I love just sitting there and watching the waves. Behind us the view only gets better, there are mountains. When we go up to work at the camp, we walk up part of the tallest mountain in Northern Ireland. It’s not hard to find something to thank God for everyday. Even the cloudy-ness looks mystique!
The people I live with are from all over….so I get an international experience while sitting at the table. Amazing!!! I really enjoy the people. I haven’t made any really close friends, but it has only been a bit over a week, and they are much older than me…well not so much older than me, but just enough I feel little.
The camp we are working at deals mainly with outdoor education. My team’s tasks though are to mainly deal with secretarial work, EBay fundraising, and organizing the concession stand. We have some outdoor things, but not a lot. This isn’t so bad because I like some things, but I am not really good at a lot. So I am excited about the work they described to us. The beginning is a little slow, but as soon as we get going…it will be work work work all the time!
I am really excited about all the growth in the faith and spiritual aspect of the camp!!! God is going to do some incredible things. There is a committee of people all excited, and some other volunteers, staff, and we are key links to getting it kicked off! There are so many different directions to take on it. I am really excited to get involved!!!
It is really cold here already, but it is okay I like cold. I mean I can get warmed up easy…he he he, just kidding. It is fine, I have tons of layers. I just hope the heat works through out Christmas.
That reminds me, we still have no finalized details about next month. That has me kind of anxious because it will be weird being in this big house with out any one except Jon, Kevin, and I. I don’t know though…I think I am already not looking forward to Christmas.
I have been reading a lot lately as well, since we have some down time. I finished The Difference Maker, The Bell Jar, and I am working on God, Sex, and Generation X. They are all very good. They make me think, which I don’t always like, but it is good…ish
I miss people already…is that bad? I am kind of sad that I feel this way already. I don’t know. This part is the most confusing. Well, to be honest a lot of things are confusing but not to worry God will guide me. Even though I feel lost and like crap a bit, I know God has me so I need to work on getting closer to him.
Please pray for the team, the camp, the volunteers, the staff, and me…..
I will end with a passage from the book I am reading now:
“Some claim that we are closer to God in a garden than anywhere else on earth, but in the mystery of human relationships we come closer to God than is possible in even the most sublime scene of natural beauty.”
I am in Northern Ireland, and what do I think….hum? Well, I don’t really know. I think about some things, some of the time. But not everything all of the time! Clear as mud, eh?
…Sorry, I am ok…I think. I really like where I am living, except it gets cold sometimes. But it is so beautiful. We have a huge window in the living room and it looks out unto the coast..ahhh. I love just sitting there and watching the waves. Behind us the view only gets better, there are mountains. When we go up to work at the camp, we walk up part of the tallest mountain in Northern Ireland. It’s not hard to find something to thank God for everyday. Even the cloudy-ness looks mystique!
The people I live with are from all over….so I get an international experience while sitting at the table. Amazing!!! I really enjoy the people. I haven’t made any really close friends, but it has only been a bit over a week, and they are much older than me…well not so much older than me, but just enough I feel little.
The camp we are working at deals mainly with outdoor education. My team’s tasks though are to mainly deal with secretarial work, EBay fundraising, and organizing the concession stand. We have some outdoor things, but not a lot. This isn’t so bad because I like some things, but I am not really good at a lot. So I am excited about the work they described to us. The beginning is a little slow, but as soon as we get going…it will be work work work all the time!
I am really excited about all the growth in the faith and spiritual aspect of the camp!!! God is going to do some incredible things. There is a committee of people all excited, and some other volunteers, staff, and we are key links to getting it kicked off! There are so many different directions to take on it. I am really excited to get involved!!!
It is really cold here already, but it is okay I like cold. I mean I can get warmed up easy…he he he, just kidding. It is fine, I have tons of layers. I just hope the heat works through out Christmas.
That reminds me, we still have no finalized details about next month. That has me kind of anxious because it will be weird being in this big house with out any one except Jon, Kevin, and I. I don’t know though…I think I am already not looking forward to Christmas.
I have been reading a lot lately as well, since we have some down time. I finished The Difference Maker, The Bell Jar, and I am working on God, Sex, and Generation X. They are all very good. They make me think, which I don’t always like, but it is good…ish
I miss people already…is that bad? I am kind of sad that I feel this way already. I don’t know. This part is the most confusing. Well, to be honest a lot of things are confusing but not to worry God will guide me. Even though I feel lost and like crap a bit, I know God has me so I need to work on getting closer to him.
Please pray for the team, the camp, the volunteers, the staff, and me…..
I will end with a passage from the book I am reading now:
“Some claim that we are closer to God in a garden than anywhere else on earth, but in the mystery of human relationships we come closer to God than is possible in even the most sublime scene of natural beauty.”
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